remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I need to stop coming to work sober
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
