hell yes lets make some ravioli
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
