My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
