You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
