If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Can you bring me the toilet please
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
