i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
