I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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