He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
