I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
