We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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