I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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