i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
