how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Randomize
