Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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