did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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