Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
