Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
You left your phone here
Wait...
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
