Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
