my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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