yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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