What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
