is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
