I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
