Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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