well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
