Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Randomize
