Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
