i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
