I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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