He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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