As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize
