my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
