Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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