he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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