woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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