Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
