....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
