I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
