Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
