I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
