The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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