I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
