Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
