If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
