And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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