Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
