I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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