I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
