when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
