Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
